A long time coming.

I feel like I’m starting over recently, which is strange because it almost seems like this should have happened a long time ago.

I’ve moved on from many things in my life, sometimes without even realising and I know that it’s just life, you grow up, you mature and you learn from something everyday. But in the past couple of weeks, something feels different. Good, but there is very much a change in me. When I think about why this might be happening, I consider the toxic relationships that I’ve let go, all the new, warm and loving people that I have now surrounded myself with and of course all of life’s events that have taken place. It almost feels like I’m in a completely different world.

All of the things that I thought I knew so well have been completely turn on their head. For example, I used to very naively think that I knew how to be in a relationship, that I knew what was healthy and what was normal and how exactly to conduct oneself with a partner. After leaving a 3 year, what I guess can be called a relationship, behind (and for the best I can assure you); I’ve now entered into another relationship that has me questioning every little thing I do or say.

Are we moving too quickly? Am I supposed to feel so much so fast? Am I just used to being in a long term relationship? Is this only a rebound? But then why do I feel so certain? Is it normal that we don’t share as much in common as me and my ex? What were his ex girlfriends like? Should I care? Does it matter? Did he hear that fart? Are we there yet? Do we look good together? Is that important? What would our children look like? Who thinks of that two weeks in?!

And there are a MILLION more questions similar to the above that haunt my every waking second. I used to love the beginning of relationships, when I was younger and they were just all about the fun and excitement and you’re not having an existential crisis every two seconds because you’ve just turned 21 and you’re wondering if your degree is even going to be worth it in the end.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m loving exploring another person’s mind, body, history and their desires. I love those butterflies I get when he walks into a room or looks over at me and smiles. And my God, does that boy have a knicker-dropping smile.

In all seriousness, I do enjoy this part of a relationship, but now it feels like there’s so much depending on it. I’ve just been through the biggest heartbreak of my life and within weeks I had this amazing man putting it back together and giving me feelings I thought I was never going to have again at what feels like three times the intensity. I don’t want to go through another heartbreak but the damage has been done now and I’ve fallen. I practically threw myself down if I’m perfectly honest, because even though it could all end in tears, I’ve been crying too much for the past few years and I believe that I deserve some smiles, even if it’s only for a brief time.

This post is really a message for my future self as a reminder to always pay attention to the people around you in life and how they make you feel and what they bring to your well-being. Your self-worth is the most important thing and you’ve lost it before and are now only beginning to get it back. Please don’t lose it again, and if you already have, take it from your past-self, you did it once, you can do it again.

And if you’re still with the guy who’s flipped your world at the minute, I’m really glad because I like him, a lot. (And so does mum.)

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The Jealous Are Trouble to Others, but a Tormet to Themselves.

Jealousy is something I deal with a lot more than I should. The thing about jealousy is that it eats at every good thought that you have and turns it into something evil and ugly. It grabs you in by that one thought that you hate but is in someway addicting and so curious that you think about it more and more often until it escalates and turns into an idea that is almost permanently etched into your mind. 
Sometimes the jealousy can be so bad that you lose the ones you love over it. And of course you hate the jealousy for this, for all of it, those terrible, heart-aching thoughts it gives you and you want to scream at the jealousy until it finally leaves you alone.
Then it gets to a point where the jealousy isn’t even under your control any longer, you just become jealousy itself and everything to be envious of, you are and it’s painful, it’s sickening and the cruel irony of all of it? You’re jealous of those who never seem to be jealous. 

A New Perspective on Perspection

The irony is, as I grow, I just feel smaller in this world; and my future plans that I’ve mapped out have only made me feel even further frustrated. I thought that I would feel less… less something… less like I want to scream because I don’t know where I’m going or what I want. Now that I actually know the answers to those questions, my life just feels like constant pressure, a constant weight that I can’t lift and it hurts at times and its suffocating and overwhelming; but most of all… it’s terrifying. I’m terrified because, as I grow, I just feel smaller in this world. 

The Only Advice I Can Give

You’re hurting and I hate to see it. But, it’s all a part of growing up and growing strong. 
It would be easy for me to say that over time you’ll feel a lot better and that it won’t be that hard, which in a way I guess is true, but I should be more specific, what I really should say is this; 
Right now you are young and there will be plenty more experiences of grief and pain in your lifetime.  When you’re going through these you should remember that as time goes on, the pain doesn’t exactly disappear – you’ve simply learnt how to handle and cope with it all – you’ve become a lot stronger than before. So next time you feel like giving up, that you have been defeated by it all just think about how far you have already come, it would be a waste to admit defeat after all that.  You are strong and will only get stronger and stronger as you and I both grow up. It’s not always going to be easy but there will also be times of pure joy and gloria and that is the only advice I can give.

Taken

I started to think about you recently. There’s so much I’d love to tell you about right now, like all the things that I’ve done or that I’m doing right now. I want to tell you about the plans for my future and how I know exactly where I want to be and I want to hear your reaction and what you think about it all.
I just want one more day with you, one more just to talk to you, to hold your hand and just tell you that I love you and I always have.

It’s funny how when someone leaves you remember every little detail of their being. Their scent of stale smoke, that usually would repel you but because it was them it comforted you, the way they always held their hand in the air when they spoke, their hoarse laugh that sounded so full of life and always made you smile, the roughness of their skin when you kissed them on the cheek and how they smiled at you even when they were at their worst.
All the memories you have of that one person will stay with you and you treasure them and keep them in your heart because no matter how much you miss that person, those memories can never be taken away. 

Some Things Have to Happen

I’m not exactly sure about how this happened, when I just stopped feeling those things I used to. I think I may have lost them somewhere, I’m always losing things. It’s not that I meant to lose them, I just did and when I first noticed they were missing, I wanted them back but now… well now I just want someone else to find them. To find those feelings for you because, I don’t think they belong to me anymore, not really and I think you know that too but you’re too scared to admit it. I’m too scared to admit it but there is no point in denying it any further because it will only hurt us both.

You looked at me with those eyes, those cruel painful eyes and I had to look away. I had ran away from this moment plenty of times before and regretted it every time I did. I couldn’t feel guilty for my feelings or rather… my non-feelings.

Out of the loss of my feelings, I found something else, something honest and so bold. I found that I can’t always predict myself because in fact, I’m unpredictable and I never used to think I was but maybe that changed maybe I lost my predictability too.

Don’t Let Go Just Yet

And that’s when she’d had enough. She turned away from him with tears staining her cheeks, she couldn’t handle it, him. Thoughts were drowning themselves in her mind, should she look back? Should it all end now, like this?

But then the thoughts came to an end because of a touch on her arm. He couldn’t let it end this way, he wasn’t going to let her slip so easily. He held her face in his hands and looked into her eyes as if the meaning of the universe could be found in them. 

No words were exchanged, just looks and tears. Neither one of them could understand how they had come to this, how they had both changed with each other so much, how difficult it was to let go. They were both hurting but they were both in love too and that was definite. They both stared at each other, examining each other’s features like they had never seen another person before, and then they  kissed. Lightly as if it pained them to do so, another tear ran and the kiss became deeper and almost urgent. Their foreheads met together and their lips curved into painful smiles. Nobody said a word but their hands reaching for one another spoke a million.