Jealousy is something I deal with a lot more than I should. The thing about jealousy is that it eats at every good thought that you have and turns it into something evil and ugly. It grabs you in by that one thought that you hate but is in someway addicting and so curious that you think about it more and more often until it escalates and turns into an idea that is almost permanently etched into your mind. Sometimes the jealousy can be so bad that you lose the ones you love over it. And of course you hate the jealousy for this, for all of it, those terrible, heart-aching thoughts it gives you and you want to scream at the jealousy until it finally leaves you alone. Then it gets to a point where the jealousy isn’t even under your control any longer, you just become jealousy itself and everything to be envious of, you are and it’s painful, it’s sickening and the cruel irony of all of it? You’re jealous of those who never seem to be jealous.
The irony is, as I grow, I just feel smaller in this world; and my future plans that I’ve mapped out have only made me feel even further frustrated. I thought that I would feel less… less something… less like I want to scream because I don’t know where I’m going or what I want. Now that I actually know the answers to those questions, my life just feels like constant pressure, a constant weight that I can’t lift and it hurts at times and its suffocating and overwhelming; but most of all… it’s terrifying. I’m terrified because, as I grow, I just feel smaller in this world.
I’m not exactly sure about how this happened, when I just stopped feeling those things I used to. I think I may have lost them somewhere, I’m always losing things. It’s not that I meant to lose them, I just did and when I first noticed they were missing, I wanted them back but now… well now I just want someone else to find them. To find those feelings for you because, I don’t think they belong to me anymore, not really and I think you know that too but you’re too scared to admit it. I’m too scared to admit it but there is no point in denying it any further because it will only hurt us both.
You looked at me with those eyes, those cruel painful eyes and I had to look away. I had ran away from this moment plenty of times before and regretted it every time I did. I couldn’t feel guilty for my feelings or rather… my non-feelings.
Out of the loss of my feelings, I found something else, something honest and so bold. I found that I can’t always predict myself because in fact, I’m unpredictable and I never used to think I was but maybe that changed maybe I lost my predictability too.
And that’s when she’d had enough. She turned away from him with tears staining her cheeks, she couldn’t handle it, him. Thoughts were drowning themselves in her mind, should she look back? Should it all end now, like this?
But then the thoughts came to an end because of a touch on her arm. He couldn’t let it end this way, he wasn’t going to let her slip so easily. He held her face in his hands and looked into her eyes as if the meaning of the universe could be found in them.
No words were exchanged, just looks and tears. Neither one of them could understand how they had come to this, how they had both changed with each other so much, how difficult it was to let go. They were both hurting but they were both in love too and that was definite. They both stared at each other, examining each other’s features like they had never seen another person before, and then they kissed. Lightly as if it pained them to do so, another tear ran and the kiss became deeper and almost urgent. Their foreheads met together and their lips curved into painful smiles. Nobody said a word but their hands reaching for one another spoke a million.