A long time coming.

I feel like I’m starting over recently, which is strange because it almost seems like this should have happened a long time ago.

I’ve moved on from many things in my life, sometimes without even realising and I know that it’s just life, you grow up, you mature and you learn from something everyday.¬†But in the past couple of weeks, something feels different. Good, but there is very much a change in me. When I think about why this might be happening, I consider the toxic relationships that I’ve let go, all the new, warm and loving people that I have now surrounded myself with and of course all of life’s events that have taken place. It almost feels like I’m in a completely different world.

All of the things that I thought I knew so well have been completely turn on their head. For example, I used to very naively think that I knew how to be in a relationship, that I knew what was healthy and what was normal and how exactly to conduct oneself with a partner. After leaving a 3 year, what I guess can be called a relationship, behind (and for the best I can assure you); I’ve now entered into another relationship that has me questioning every little thing I do or say.

Are we moving too quickly? Am I supposed to feel so much so fast? Am I just used to being in a long term relationship? Is this only a rebound? But then why do I feel so certain? Is it normal that we don’t share as much in common as me and my ex? What were his ex girlfriends like? Should I care? Does it matter? Did he hear that fart? Are we there yet? Do we look good together? Is that important? What would our children look like? Who thinks of that two weeks in?!

And there are a MILLION more questions similar to the above that haunt my every waking second. I used to love the beginning of relationships, when I was younger and they were just all about the fun and excitement and you’re not having an existential crisis every two seconds because you’ve just turned 21 and you’re wondering if your degree is even going to be worth it in the end.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m loving exploring another person’s mind, body, history and their desires. I love those butterflies I get when he walks into a room or looks over at me and smiles. And my God, does that boy have a knicker-dropping smile.

In all seriousness, I do enjoy this part of a relationship, but now it feels like there’s so much depending on it. I’ve just been through the biggest heartbreak of my life and within weeks I had this amazing man putting it back together and giving me feelings I thought I was never going to have again at what feels like three times the intensity. I don’t want to go through another heartbreak but the damage has been done now and I’ve fallen. I practically threw myself down if I’m perfectly honest, because even though it could all end in tears, I’ve been crying too much for the past few years and I believe that I deserve some smiles, even if it’s only for a brief time.

This post is really a message for my future self as a reminder to always pay attention to the people around you in life and how they make you feel and what they bring to your well-being. Your self-worth is the most important thing and you’ve lost it before and are now only beginning to get it back. Please don’t lose it again, and if you already have, take it from your past-self, you did it once, you can do it again.

And if you’re still with the guy who’s flipped your world at the minute, I’m really glad because I like him, a lot. (And so does mum.)

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Some Things Have to Happen

I’m not exactly sure about how this happened, when I just stopped feeling those things I used to. I think I may have lost them somewhere, I’m always losing things. It’s not that I meant to lose them, I just did and when I first noticed they were missing, I wanted them back but now… well now I just want someone else to find them. To find those feelings for you because, I don’t think they belong to me anymore, not really and I think you know that too but you’re too scared to admit it. I’m too scared to admit it but there is no point in denying it any further because it will only hurt us both.

You looked at me with those eyes, those cruel painful eyes and I had to look away. I had ran away from this moment plenty of times before and regretted it every time I did. I couldn’t feel guilty for my feelings or rather… my non-feelings.

Out of the loss of my feelings, I found something else, something honest and so bold. I found that I can’t always predict myself because in fact, I’m unpredictable and I never used to think I was but maybe that changed maybe I lost my¬†predictability too.